I have reached a place in my life where I can see things that I could never see before. And now that I can see, I wish I could go back to being blind. I have come a long way. I have worked hard to be where I am and yet I cannot deny the love, support, and care from many around me that has helped me reach here. Some of that makes me want to run away. Away from the guilt I feel for not returning all that love. Not because I don’t want to, but because I can’t. I don’t have any place left in my heart for many of these lovers and caregivers who have given me so much. We are just so different. We are far apart. I am sincerely grateful to all of them and yet I don’t like them. I cannot love them like they have loved me. I wish I could give it all back. But I can’t.
While I grew and changed, so did many around me. I grew closer to some and drifted far apart from others. There were those I held close to my heart. And even with all my efforts to keep them there, there is no space for them anymore.
I used to believe in things that I don’t believe in now. I have found new faith. I have found a lot of new faith while I shed even more every day. If I am a good person, I was a bad person in the past. Because I cannot recognize that person in my past. I need to keep striving to keep this good. I need to strive to keep this good in my future so I can also reflect back on this present day and not recognize the person I am today. But there are those around me who don’t want to change. There are those who deny the change. There are those who fight the change. There are those who hate the change they see in me. We were once close and now we are not. We stood together and now we don’t. I cannot deny the love they gave me but I cannot return the favor anymore. What do I do?